The one thing I hear far too often when talking about restaurants in certain cities starts like this "This city needs a_____Restaurant" "We need a place where we can ____" and these sentences are often filled with suggestions of ethnic restaurants , comfort foods, bars, or some ridiculous chain. 

Well here's my suggestion for 60% of the restaurants in the U.S. We ignite each of them on fire (preferably during earth day), take the ashes and work them into a small snort friendly powder, pass them out to everyone with a pulse and convince them it's the secret seasoning (crack) mix they use in all major fast food units) and let the fun begin! Maybe if we let them indulge until they are far beyond comprehension of what good food tastes like, we can start with a brand new slate of opening new places that actually execute phenomenal food. 

That's right; I would honestly like to stomp on a majority of the restaurants of the world just to give fresh food and chefs a new hope. Even then I think American consumers would need to down some lead paint first and retard themselves out of the comfort zone of "Easy Food". Seriously, close a library or book store for one day and no one raises an eyebrow but the moment Suzie homemaker can't get her fucking ranch dressing she's ready to commit full brand name genocide via minivan. 

So here is where I'm at, I'm going to start the world off with a new series of restaurant reviews capable of making you laugh, cry, and possibly slap someone across from you. I'm so sick of these preachy reviews where the critic spends a few pages massaging the restaurants balls (and by balls I mean ego) by being vague as possible to not totally anger the restaurant gods they worship. Or the review that simply bashes a restaurant because the host didn't dry hump you when you walked into the door. Finally the review that walks us down memory lane of how one plate took them back to some time in their life 98 years ago.

I'm going to make my reviews simple. "Eat here vs. Don't Eat here", "Bring plenty of cash, or bring your laundry money", "Come here if you want to get laid vs. Come here if you're just friends (And eventually want to get laid)". Reviews aren't difficult, if you are only there to tell the world where and what to eat. Critics are out and reviewing everyday and yes sometim...your favorite restaurant may fail on an epic level to them. They may over hype a burger joint because they cooked that single burger perfectly. Or one restaurant gets a point higher because of the massive earth shaking "boobage" that just happens to greet their table. 

You get what you get mates and it is what it is. You can't get mad at a few good or bad reviews if its not you're restaurant and you defiantly can't be mad at people for having their opinions; that's like slapping a dog for licking its own privates, sure its gross but he's having a good time and wtf do you care, it's not like you can do that. (And if you can pat yourself on the back after you've wiped your mouth because that's some skill you have there.) 

With that final thought we begin the journey of restaurant reviews via Cheflogs.blogspot.com 

That is a...Andy Out