I do often wonder sometimes if a D&D nerd opened up his own restaurant, what it would come to look like? Really unique decor with gothic appeal, strange arcade games, comfortable dress code, rustic food tapas style menu...sounds pretty good to me! Unfortunately "Beast" just ends up a restaurant that invites all the people who weren't cool enough to get into the restaurant next door because you're too much of a nerd to eat proper food in comfortable settings. 

 "Beast"  - Brooklyn, NYC

With a name like "beast" you can only imagine what kinda trap you're walking into. (I half expected to see the Medieval Times scene with Jim Carrey from Cable Guy) The decorations are just plain... interesting. Gothic "beast" statues and a few paintings cover the walls and shelves, dark room lighting which does nothing but illuminate the 1950's classic film noir above the bar. The crowd consisted of all manner of fifty year old man accompanied by trophy wife, and if you are more into the bar scene, mid 30 to midlife crisis forty is the age requirement if you want to ride the beast. At least that what is seems to take for someone to pay any attention to you. I must say the crowd held my attention because watching an old couple make out never quite loses its horror while waiting for my table (right next to the drafty doors).

The menu is interesting, a fair mix of tapas style options for simple folk, food enthusiast, and massive drunks alike. My guest and I went for a good mix of items: Grilled Flat bread with Hummus, Creamy polenta, Peking duck breast, Spanish chorizo, Diver scallops, & Sauteed calamari; all prepared and delivered with a massive failure.

A few questions for the cooks (who seem to be a Hispanic folk band adopted by fortune telling gypsies out of Kansas) 

1)      Should my polenta being cold and grainy to remind me grits?

2)      Should the bread be stale enough to literally crumble inside of my cold polenta?

3)      I’m a fan of calamari, so should it be sweet and floating in a crock of tasteless sauce?

4)      Are you using any salt back there or do you use it on the floor to keep demons at bay?

5)      Why are you all wearing pink scarves?

Looking at the presentation and execution of each dish, as well as interviewing different customers after their meal all points to a leveling fact: The sense that someone has stopped trying.

Nothing but too average taste, or presentation standards, however it did arrive very quickly. We were offered dessert after our seemingly stoned out waiter resurfaced, but when you get served a dead dog for dinner you certainly don't stick around for the pudding. (and to see a great example of my waiter please see photo 2)

Perhaps that was the day no one had the time to sacrifice a small goat to provide good service, but after a little under an hour, I was very ready to leave. I was hoping to be inspired by a place that finds beauty in its food, but it turns out the beast just rubbed his fuzzy balls in my face, then handed me the check.