Sunday Night TV, The bitter hairdresser and my girlfriend"s DVR... by Harvey Wallbanger (the Testy Technologist)
Sunday Night TV, The bitter hairdresser and my girlfriend's DVR...
 by Harvey Wallbanger (the Testy Technologist)
 Tuesday, March 30th, 2010
 New York, NY
 Views: 16,233
 
Share
submit to reddit

So I was rebuilding my x86's computer chassis by dropping in a sweet 64 bit  quad proc and board combo when the old lady fired up the DVR for our Sunday night TV ritual.

Long since The Sopranos ended on Sunday nights, we've been lacking a reliable measure of time in our lives. Aimlessly wandering the 1000+ channels of our overpriced Cable service, my girlfriend and I have sought out Sunday TV viewing with a malaise only the clinically depressed can relate to.

My G said she had a new show she wanted us to watch, when Low and Behold! What did I see? Trash TV of a whole new low that even I didn't think was humanly possible.

My girlfriend first added the show to our DVR list after seeing a promo on The Style Network, I have to admit, I miss "Jersey Shore", but the cast of this new TV show seemed to be just what my junk TV schedule was missing, with a flair for Jersey Trash, I put my computer building aside and prepared for the worst of the worst...

I was hooked from the pre-show trailer. Intrigued by Tracy the most. Reminiscent of a dirty, dried up mattress with a sprig of bleached blonde twigs atop it, the girl seems to have no life outside of stealing everyone else's cheating boyfriends and then parading them through the salon for a quick spray-tan session in the back.

"Why would anyone with such beautiful blonde hair dye all of her roots shit-brown?" I asked myself aloud. 

Tracy seems to get a deep and twisted pleasure from simply going out of her way to harass one of the other over-made-up piles of medical waste that probably ends up on the Jersey shore in the summer named Olivia. Now in Olivia's defense, she seems sweet and if anything, out of touch with any reality outside of the NJ Strip malls. She's quaint and a lot nicer to look at than Snooki from Jersey Shore, but ark my words. These two are going to get down to fisticuffs. It's just a matter of time.

In the immortal words of Bill Murray: "Oooh a cat fight, get me hot!"

Then theres Alexa, the self proclaimed "Glam Fairy" who needs a very long stay at a fat farm and a day or two in a pit of degreaser to get all those layers of makeup off of her face that she's constantly applying with an air gun like a beat up pinto at Earl Scheib's. If you don't know who Earl Scheib is, he's the guy who used to tout that he'd "paint any car for $99.95" back in the 70's and 80's.

Is it the Glam Fairy or Earl Sheib?

The Salon, called Gatsby's, is in a strip mall, probably next to a Hickory Farms across from a NAPA Auto parts store. The mother, Gayle and daughter, Christy, claim to have pumped over a million dollars into the salon's revamp, which looks like it could have been done for about 50 grand and a trip to IKEA. The ladies were clearly hosed by their contractor, but hey! It's Jersey, right?

Anthony, the only guy at the salon is the most normal. A salon owner himself, he seems genuine and will probably be the anchor of sanity as the show progresses through Dante's inferno of hair and nails.

Last, but certainly not least is Gigi. She's a simple girl with a fucking psycho boyfriend who looks like a cross between a 2nd rate hit-man and Boris Karloff. His name is Frankie and his parents look like poster children for spouse abuse. My favorite scene is when Gigi is doing Frankie's mom's hair at home while Frankie and his dad (in a trademark wifebeater, chain smoking Pall Malls) proceed to yell at the two women that they are hungry and want to eat dinner! You couldn't make this stuff up. I was waiting for one of the two dolts to start yelling "STELLA!". Frankie is going to end up in jail yet during the season, so you won't want to miss it when this "serial killer in training" snaps and goes off. Good times.

All in all, JerseyLicious doesn't have the selfless, peace corps theme of the Jersey Shore that today's gen Y'ers are supposed to be drawn to according to MTV's president [link], but I have to admit, Jerseylicious will do nicely in the arena of making me feel like a happy, well adjusted human and will most definitely give me my weekly fill of freudenschade [link].

Jerseylicious airs on Sundays at 10, 9 Central on The Style Network

Time Warner CH 118
Verizon Fios CH 140
DIRECTV CH 235
DishNetwork CH 118

-HW


. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Last updated by Harvey Wallbanger (the Testy Technologist) - Tuesday, March 30th, 2010 -  New York, NY

© 2012 The New York Grapevine, All Rights Reserved. powered by infaCORE™